Some topics make us brace before we breathe. Divorce is one of them. Many have already chosen a side—some take a hard line because it feels safer, others because it seems more spiritual, still others because the pain hasn’t visited their house. And then there are those whose views softened only after heartbreak found a name in their family. Wherever you are, can we come to Jesus together—not to defend a position, but to seek His heart?
I haven’t walked through divorce in my immediate family. My parents were married for over thirty years until my mother passed. I don’t carry a secret agenda into this. What I do carry is a desire to handle Scripture honestly and pastor people gently. My aim is not the letter that crushes but the Spirit that gives life (2 Corinthians 3:6).
What Did Jesus Actually Say?
Jesus speaks to divorce in Matthew 5:31–32 and again in Matthew 19:3–9. In His Sermon on the Mount, He raises—not lowers—the bar of righteousness for His kingdom people: “Anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery” (Matthew 5:32). When questioned by Pharisees later, Jesus refuses to play team Shammai vs. team Hillel (the two competing rabbinic schools of His day). Shammai allowed divorce only for sexual immorality; Hillel allowed it “for any and every reason”—burnt dinner, sharp words, even finding someone “prettier.”
Jesus goes past both rabbis, past Moses’ concession to hard hearts (Deuteronomy 24; Matthew 19:8), and all the way back to Genesis: “What God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:6). That’s His center of gravity. Marriage is God’s design—male and female, one flesh, a union meant to be faithful, exclusive, and enduring. Jesus does acknowledge an exception (sexual immorality), but He does not command divorce. Permission is not a prescription.
What Did Paul Add?
Paul affirms Jesus and makes one pastoral addition for mixed marriages: if an unbelieving spouse deserts the believer and refuses to live together, the believer “is not bound” (1 Corinthians 7:15). Paul is not loosening marriage; he’s recognizing a tragic reality. Even then, his instinct is toward peace, not retaliation; redemption, not haste (1 Corinthians 7:17).
Why This Is So Hard
Because we’re not debating ideas; we’re carrying wounds. Some of you were abandoned without warning. Some sinned grievously and now live with holy regret. Some are enduring long winters where love feels lost. And some are in danger. Hear this with clarity and compassion: protecting life and safety is not contrary to God’s heart. If there is abuse, get to safety and seek help immediately. Then walk the biblical process with wise pastoral counsel.
What Doesn’t Count as Biblical Grounds (Even When It Hurts)
Scripture does not present falling out of love, incompatibility, constant conflict, sexual drought, financial stress, or parenting differences as grounds for divorce. Those are real pains; they are not small. But they are the very places where the Spirit often rebuilds what we thought was beyond repair. Many couples in Christ have watched God resurrect love through repentance, counsel, patience, and grace.
Three Lenses for Our Decisions
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Jesus’ heart before our heart
Before we ask, “What can I do?” ask, “What does Jesus love?” His first word is covenant, not convenience; formation, not escape; mercy and truth held together.
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Permission is not a plan
Sexual immorality and the desertion of an unbelieving spouse are biblical permissions, not commands. Don’t sprint to a courthouse when Scripture calls you first to a prayer closet, a counselor’s chair, and the church’s care.
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Walk with the church, not alone
Matthew 18 outlines a path for confronting sin—with witnesses, with pastoral oversight, with patient steps. Where hearts harden against repentance, the church names reality. Where hearts bend toward Christ, the church labors for reconciliation.
When the Story Is Already Complicated
What if you divorced for unbiblical reasons and have since remarried? Paul’s counsel is steadying: “Each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned” (1 Corinthians 7:17). Bring your past to the cross for forgiveness; bring your present to the Lord for faithfulness. Don’t compound sin with more sin. Be holy where your feet stand today.
For the Wounded and the Wrongdoer
If you were sinned against, Jesus is near to the brokenhearted. He sees, He knows, He binds up wounds. If you sinned grievously, come into the light. The Accuser whispers, “Too late.” The Gospel sings, “There is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). Confess, repent, receive mercy—and, where possible, make restitution.
Four Pastoral Takeaways
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Honour the design
Hold a high view of marriage because Jesus does. Pursue help early; don’t wait until the foundations crack.
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Slow down in the storm
Big feelings make poor pilots. Before major decisions, invite Scripture, Spirit, and seasoned saints to the table.
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Let grace do the heavy lifting
Where there is adultery and a softening toward repentance, many marriages have healed over time. The road is costly, but grace can carry the weight.
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Be a church of covenant care
Create a culture where couples can tell the truth early, receive counsel without shame, and find patient companions for the long obedience.
